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Gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen". Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires. Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced.S.

Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school. Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies' Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth. Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'.